Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
So drunk its hurt
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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