if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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