i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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