I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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