I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
