He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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