does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
