I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
