Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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