hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
