Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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