then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
