....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
