Sacagawea was the original milf.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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