Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
