All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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