my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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