I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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