We need to rekindle our bromance
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
