Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
