The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
