her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Drunk is not a location!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
