You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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