I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
