i don't like sucking hair
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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