I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
