just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
