if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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