Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she looked like the before picture.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
