So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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