So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
