isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I checked into jail on foursquare
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
