I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
