note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
