The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
