oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
