Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
