i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
