listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
