Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
