i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
