i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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