I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
