Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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