guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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