I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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