Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
