He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
