no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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