I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
