I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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