1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
