I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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